Long time no type

So I started this blog as a way to vent my feelings as I was finishing my degree up, which I HAVE DONE NOW!!!
I have pretty much been working full-time hours with a part-time job for the past four months, which I am okay with at the moment because who doesn't need the money. I mean really you need money for clothes food gas insurance, and my case also cat food and cat litter for my little furry bastards, LOL.
Well things have been feeling a little tense at home the past few months because things with my grammie have just been getting to us all. It gets to my mother more so than it seems to us because she does so much to make sure that my grammie is being taken care of cleaned,  has stimulation, her blood sugar is checked all the time at meal time. My mother has lost a lot of weight that she had put on since she has stopped waitressing, which she is happy about just not in the way that she thought she would lose weight, which I can understand.
I wish I could loss weight as well. I had started to workout​ again in January, but after 3 months I have up again. I had not been lossing any weight I had actually gained 6 pounds. Which I was pissed about. I had not been over 140 pounds since middle school. But things happen and you loss or gain weight as you are meant to.
As I am writing this I am being comforted by one of my little furry bastards, lol. I love my cats they treat me like I can do no wrong. Which is what everybody needs right?
To be treated like a super hero. Like everything you do is the best thing in the world. Even if it is just feeding them, or petting them, or cuddling with them. My cats will never hate me and I need that. Do we not all need that as well???
I have been back from vacation for a week now. 10 blissful days in Florida with my Dad, his fiancé, and her 4; yes 4 children; loud opinionated children. Ranging in age a from 14 to 21. They are good kids though.
I hate to say though that I am a little jealous of the 14 year old. Because my Dad calls her his little buddy and says they do a lot together. He told me why on vacation though. That because he fucked up so much when I was little younger he missed out on so much with my brother and I that Gem (changed for reasons that are none of your business!) is his second chance. To try and do things differently and help the girl feel like she has a father figure since her Dad is more screwed up than mine was and no longer in her life. Because even though my Dad screwed growing up he was always there for me and hers is not anymore. So I understand that. I understand that sometimes the best Dad you have is the one not by blood.
I got a few stones dropped in me on vacation with my Dad and them. Like they will be moving sometime next year. Two of her kids will be going with them, because they are only 14 and 16 and the 16 has things that need to be constantly maintained. I have seriously been considering asking to go with them. I do not know if I could do that though. As much as my life is pathetic it is here. My family is here, my best friend is here, my cats are here and for the time being my job. I could not move my cats thousand of miles with new, loud, people and expect them to be okay and I would miss them way to much to be able to leave. My life as pathetic as it is, is here. I help out more than I want to, I resent having to be a care giver, as horrible as that makes me sound I am not the nursing type. I am selfish that way and I do not apologize for that. I will never say sorry for that.
Wow 1:43 am I should stop my ranting, not like anybody reads these things anyway, right? It is just another journal I guess. I can say things in a way I could not in my handwritten one or more likely in a different way. Goodnight​ or good morning more like it, lol.

☀       🌙        💫

Support

Support

Today, right now actually, my mother is at a support group at L&M hospital for caregivers. See at the begging of the summer My grandma started declining in health. Which actually began this time last year when she was re-diagnosed with a brain tumor. Instead of going through chemo again her doctors told her to do radiation. So that is what she did. She was fine for about 5 months. Then she started forgetting things, losing concentration, she was not able to write very well at all. Then she started having accidents in her bed. She would lay in it for hours until someone went to make sure she was okay, she was a very active person before this all happened. Then she started losing strength in her legs. We had to pull her up out of bed. Then we had to hold her hands a guide her to the bathroom, kitchen, etc. Then she got so bad with not being able to control her bladder that my mother had to start buying her depends. Now my grandma is so bad she cannot get out of bed, have lucid conversations, totally feed herself, get up at all to use the bathroom, or articulate what she needs from us when she moans so loud I am surprised the whole neighborhood has not called the police on us yet. We have to check her blood sugar three times a day, steroid induced diabetes, and give her insulin. My great Aunt and my mother were talking last week on thanksgiving and she said the doctors told her what happened to her happened as a result of after effects of the radiation and that it is fatal. I was a little shocked, but not surprised. My mother has hospice coming in several times a week to help us help my grandma. Since she cannot get out of bed they give her sponge baths and check her to make sure everything is fine. It has taken a toll on me and my mother. My school work has suffered and I am not totally sure I will pass one of my final college classes. The last class being tonight. I got an F on the first test and a D on the second. I hope I get a better grade on the final test we are having tonight and that coupled with my perfect attendance it will help me pass with at least a D or higher. It has taken a bigger toll on my mother. She has barley left the house except to go to work, the grocery store, or her historical society meetings and vfw meetings. We use to go out at least once a week to eat at our favorite local restaurant. We have not been in months. My mom is not even into Christmas this year. By now the house would usually have been decorated and be festive. She has not even gotten the Christmas stuff out of the attic or done any shopping. We have usually talked about when we would be getting our tree. Nothing, yet. I think next week I am going to go up to Smith's acres and get one myself. We have always done this together, but this year I think she needs a nice surprise and since my room is upstairs and the entrance to the attic is in the ceiling I can sneak up there in the middle of the night and get all the stuff down myself. One day next week, after my classes are done, I will decorated the house and make it festive. This is my support to my mother, doing things she does not have to energy to do right now. To help do things I hate to do. She takes care of her mom, my grandma, more than I do (even when we are both home and her boyfriend is home). So I hope the support group she is at right now helps her a little and that what I plan on doing will help make the rest of her year a little more cheery!!!

New to this

So I have decided to give this a try. I do not care who or if anyone reads this, because it is not purely for you. It is for me. It it so I can vent about college, work, family, and helping take care of my Grandma. At the end of last year my grandma's doctor's told her that the tumor they had thought was gone had come back. Instead of letting her do chemo again they told her, her best option was radiation. Now she is bed ridden, fatter than she has every been because of not moving anymore, and screams all fucking day. I love my Grandma, but her screaming all fucking day is getting on all of our nerves and I have not been able to fully concentrated on my school work. I know it is not fully her fault, it is because of what has happened to her. That the radiation fried her brain, literally and figuratively. I hate that I no longer want to look at her because I do not see my grandma anymore. I see a person who has given up on life. Who wants help for everything yet when asked what she wants tells us nothing and yells at us that she is in pain. Even after we tell her there is nothing more we can do to stop it, after doing all we are able to without giving her to much medication, she yells and yells and yells and yells. I have taken to spending my only free day off, from school and work, in my room trying to catch up on all the homework I was not able to get to on Monday's and Wednesday's. I have classes those days in the middle of the afternoon, so I have a limited amount of time before classes to get to any homework I need to. I love My grandma, but that is no longer the woman I grew up, who helped me mourn my cats when they died nine months apart. That person in the hospital bed who always complains of pain, yet wont move herself anymore, who has lost the strength to do so, is not my grandma anymore. She is just someone in my mom's home. Whom I feel I have already mourned even though she is still alive. I feel guilty I think that and when she has a bad day that sometimes I yell at her. I wish I was more compassionate, and more nurturing. However that is not who I am. I am a person who will tell without regards to if it will hurt someones feelings. I am a person who will ask for forgiveness and not permission. 

Thank you for listening.

Sunflower 😃