New to this

So I have decided to give this a try. I do not care who or if anyone reads this, because it is not purely for you. It is for me. It it so I can vent about college, work, family, and helping take care of my Grandma. At the end of last year my grandma's doctor's told her that the tumor they had thought was gone had come back. Instead of letting her do chemo again they told her, her best option was radiation. Now she is bed ridden, fatter than she has every been because of not moving anymore, and screams all fucking day. I love my Grandma, but her screaming all fucking day is getting on all of our nerves and I have not been able to fully concentrated on my school work. I know it is not fully her fault, it is because of what has happened to her. That the radiation fried her brain, literally and figuratively. I hate that I no longer want to look at her because I do not see my grandma anymore. I see a person who has given up on life. Who wants help for everything yet when asked what she wants tells us nothing and yells at us that she is in pain. Even after we tell her there is nothing more we can do to stop it, after doing all we are able to without giving her to much medication, she yells and yells and yells and yells. I have taken to spending my only free day off, from school and work, in my room trying to catch up on all the homework I was not able to get to on Monday's and Wednesday's. I have classes those days in the middle of the afternoon, so I have a limited amount of time before classes to get to any homework I need to. I love My grandma, but that is no longer the woman I grew up, who helped me mourn my cats when they died nine months apart. That person in the hospital bed who always complains of pain, yet wont move herself anymore, who has lost the strength to do so, is not my grandma anymore. She is just someone in my mom's home. Whom I feel I have already mourned even though she is still alive. I feel guilty I think that and when she has a bad day that sometimes I yell at her. I wish I was more compassionate, and more nurturing. However that is not who I am. I am a person who will tell without regards to if it will hurt someones feelings. I am a person who will ask for forgiveness and not permission. 

Thank you for listening.

Sunflower 😃